Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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