hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
