sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
