I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
