i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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