It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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