i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
