I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
