This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
