i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Randomize
