You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
