Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
