smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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