somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
