Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
