New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
