My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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