I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
