Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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