You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
