omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
