her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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