i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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