It's Friday. Sex?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
