So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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