I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i out mim tonsoeep
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