That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
