Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
