she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
