My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
