I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
