How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
she woke up with a sticky ear
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
