remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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