And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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