Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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