But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
