this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
