Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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