I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
