I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
