There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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