Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
