i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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