Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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