gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
