if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
