I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
