Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
this beer tastes like vomit already
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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