If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I need water and some morals
My vagina just clenched in fear
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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