My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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