u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
