Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
now i know why i became what i already was.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
