I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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