omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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