my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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