new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
