i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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